I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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