my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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