i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
