he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize