When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
