Your mouth is God's brothel.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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