I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
