Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize