Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
