I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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