WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
