Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
