omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
