Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
