I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
