So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
