My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I love you. Go after that dick
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
