I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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