I'm gonna have a badass scar
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Randomize
