dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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