I wish I could teleport
I puked a lego.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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