I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
