Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
