This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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