Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
