Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
