his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
