What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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