Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
