HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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