pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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