I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
