Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
