I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize