Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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