I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
