Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
