get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Randomize
