She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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