When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
