I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
