so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
