i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
