i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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