i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
