I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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