You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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