His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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