I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
