Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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