Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
