Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
