Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
