I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
