i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
