Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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