I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
