Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
