I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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