Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
