you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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